transcript 7: sarah part 1
EXT GARAGE DAY ALWAYS DAY
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I've only been in love once in my life. And I was terrible at it.
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Sarah.
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I don't know why she put up with me.
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I've known Sarah since middle school. We weren't really friends but her group ate lunch in the same hallway as my group. We were in some of the same classes.
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We'd walk home from school together, which didn't mean as much in those grades as it did later in life.
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Just something your parents set up, you didn't really question.
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I remember the first time things changed between us. It was sophomore year. I was working in the cafeteria during breaks and I hadn't seen her in awhile.
She came up to buy some cookies and the way she looked at me?
Some kind of knowing in those eyes? The way she smirked?
It was like a switch flipped in my brain. Like a door opening.
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Like it should have been obvious. Of course that was going to happen. There was some great cosmic timer counting down to that second of that day during that year for that look.
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Years of living as acquaintances, thinking nothing of it.
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One smirk and I was changed forever. My entire life built up to that moment.
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I tried to find her later that day, to walk home with her. Looked for her every day that week. By the bike racks, the library...
My attempts were totally futile, I found out later that she'd been getting a ride from a friend the whole time.
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After that I tried to work the same window during breaks on the off chance that she might show up to buy some more cookies.
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She never did. Every break I would start my shift with hope and end it with crushing disappointment.
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I was mad at her. How dare she?
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My life was going just fine before that day. Before she turned everything inside out.
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I might not have been happy but at least my mind was my own, my heart was my own.
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No matter what I did my thoughts kept coming back to her. I couldn't eat, I'd think of her wall falling asleep.
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I couldn't listen to music without getting this... I guess heart sickness? Same with movies. In my head we always took the roles or the lyrics of the characters.
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I was useless around the house. I would lay in bed, staring at the wall. It was like gravity turned up a few notches, every moment seemed significant and tragic.
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I was going through some old pictures when I found a photo of us at one of my middle school birthday parties. I remembered the gift she gave me, I still had it.
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The Subtle Knife by Philip Pullman, nestled on my book shelf between Wizard of Earthsea and a Series of Unfortunate Events.
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I started reading it. It was pretty confusing, I didn't really understand what was going on but I kept reading.
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It wasn't until I was over a hundred pages in that I looked at the back of the book and realized that this was a sequel to The Golden Compass. The book wasn't making sense because I completely missed the first one.
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I left immediately, biking the three miles to the local bookstore.
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It took me way too long to find the Golden Compass when I got there. I was too excited and nervous and embarrassed.
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When I finally located a copy it was a different edition than my Subtle Knife, the titles on the spine wouldn't match up but I took it anyways.
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And then she was there. Sarah.
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I almost knocked her over as I left the Fantasy section.
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She had a basket full of books, walking at full speed. She was shocked to see me but she laughed and gave me a quick hug.
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My heart flew through my skull.
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I tripped through the usual banter until she noticed the book in my hand. She went still and picked it up. She said that she loved that book.
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I said yeah, I started reading the copy of The Subtle Knife that she gave me not knowing it was the sequel.
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She said that she thought I had read The Golden Compass, I acted like I had when she talked about it, it's why she gave me The Subtle Knife for my birthday.
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All I wanted to do was talk to her, be around her, breathe her in.
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Instead I shrugged all nervous and told her that I had to pay for the book. I was an idiot.
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She caught me on the way out, while I was grabbing my bike, hair billowing around her. She told me when I finished the Subtle Knife she'd lend me her copy of The Amber Spyglass, the last book in the trilogy.
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I told her that I would try to find her at school, knowing that I hadn't had any luck locating her before and that probably wouldn't change.
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She asked if I had lost her home number.
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I had completely forgotten. We hadn't hung out since middle school but my Old Man would still have her number in our address book. I could have called her this whole time instead of trolling around school looking for her.
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I told her that I'd call her.
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She told me that I better.
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Something in the way she looked at me then, before I took off on my bike. It was so familiar and yet totally different. Like that was how she was meant to look at me. I think a switch flipped for her too.
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I finished the books in three days. I read instead of doing my homework, I read in class, I read at night with a flashlight under my blankets. Every word I read was like a deeper connection to her.
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I called her after finishing The Subtle Knife. It took me an hour to work up the courage to dial her.
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It was after 11pm, her Mom picked up, she wasn't took happy about the hour but I asked if I could talk to Sarah.
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Sarah picked up.
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I told her that I finished the books. I told her that I loved them and asked if it was still cool if I borrowed the third book, if not no problem I'd pick it up when the bookstore opened.
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She told me not to be stupid and that I should come over after school.
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I don't know that I've ever smiled as much as I did that night while I was trying to fall asleep. My cheeks hurt. I was giddy.
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The classes the next day were agony. My lunch shift was agony. The clock was punishing me by going as slow as possible. All I wanted to do was see her and yet I was terrified.
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I walked straight to her place as soon as the last bell rang. I was a little worried about beating her home, but our high school was a bit further than our middle school, and if she got a ride... I decided to risk it.
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My heart was pounding through my chest when I approached her house. I could feel my pulse in my fingertips. My stomach felt empty. Less than empty. Like it was its own dimension and someone filled it with helium.
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My legs were led as I walked up to the door, a door I had entered a hundred times before. I wondered if it was always like this. First love. Changing familiar scenery into something new and nerve wracking.
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I was about to ring the doorbell, but what if it was too loud? Or broken? Doorbells are out of commission all the time. I decided to knock.
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And she was there. Her fingers laced around the Amber Spyglass. Her face... I can't even describe it.
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She asked me if I had really finished the other two. I nodded, nodding was safer than speaking.
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She handed me the book. It was the same edition as The Subtle Knife she had given me years earlier.
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My golden compass was new. It still smelled like the book store. The Subtle Knife was aged a bit but in good condition. This one was well loved.
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I almost walked away but she asked me if I wanted to come in and read with her. I nodded again.
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That was one of the best afternoons of my life. Nothing happened. We ate cookies, homemade versions of the kind she'd buy at school and hung out in the back room reading.
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There was wood paneling on the wall and a sliding glass door that looked out at an overgrown lawn. She started The Golden Compass over while I took my first steps into The Amber Spyglass.
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Her Mom invited me to stay for dinner, which I did, it was delicious. As soon as we finished with the dishes we were back at it.
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I knew that I'd have to go home eventually, it was getting dark, we had school the next day, but I didn't want to. I wanted to stay. I was content. I was at peace.
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I stood up. Then she stood up. I said I should probably go. She said yeah, but made no move for the door.
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I picked up my stuff and she walked me out. She asked if I wanted to come over to read some more the next day. I told her I'd be there first thing after school.
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I practically flew home I was so happy.
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When I came to her house the next day she was waiting on the front step. She was finishing up her copy of The Golden Compass. She was a much faster reader than me.
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We went in without saying anything and replanted ourselves in the back room. I ate dinner with them again, this time her Mom was smiling to herself.
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Late that night when I got up to leave I asked Sarah if she was doing anything the next day, and if it would be cool if I came over again. I thought I might be able to finish the book and I wanted to do it around her.
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She nodded, said of course.
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She was waiting outside of my class the next day. She had told her ride to go on without her so that we could walk together. It was as easy as breathing, being with her. We caught up on what we'd been up to since middle school. She told me about her new friends and asked if thing were still bad with my Dad.
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I reminisced about things we used to do and she laughed as she remembered them.
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When we made it to the back room she sat in the reading chair and pulled out The Subtle Knife. She was almost done already.
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I took the end of the couch, a spot that had become home to me, but really I was completely immersed in the story, this world on paper.
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Her mom wasn't going to be home that night for dinner she said, but there was an oven pizza she could put in. I nodded and kept reading.
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She came back later with the pizza and sat down next to me, right next to me. I froze.
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She moved my right hand out of the way and held the other half of my book open. My arm against hers...
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Her skin was electric. Her breath lit the landscape of the paper world on fire. She was warm, she fit perfectly there.
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I looked over and she was reading my page. Her eyes met mine. She muttered that she was done with the Subtle Knife and would just finish The Amber Spyglass with me.
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That was the most intimate experience I've ever had. More than sex, more than confiding the darkest reach of the deepest pit in me, that was risk and acceptance and tender confidence...
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Sitting against a girl I had known so long, a girl that I was now consumed by. Sitting in that back room alone at night, reading the same book, the same page, the same words...
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I had never dated anybody, never held hands, never been properly vulnerable to another human being. Never cared so much. Didn't even know I could care that much.
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I thought it would be distracting but it felt like I was finally home. She must have finished the pages before me but she was patient.
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The few times I snuck a glance she would be looking at my arm or hand or hair while she waited for me to turn the page.
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It was dark and when were getting to the final climax. And then the ending.
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I don't know if you've ever read the Amber Spyglass but theres a whole nother story after the climax between the two characters.
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It's... I was shaking as I read it. I had tears in my eyes. It was soul crushing in the same way that my infatuation with Sarah was soul crushing, in the best way possible.
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It was the most beautiful thing I had ever read.
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I made it to the last page and just stared, taking it all in. My heartbreak for the two characters, my heartbreak for myself having to say goodbye to this world, my intense feelings for the person sitting next to me and the fear that now it was done we wouldn't have an excuse to spend time together.
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I didn't want to look at her. I didn't want to break the spell.
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Things were perfect. There was no way they would stay perfect.
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She said my name. Matthew. She said my name and my eyes were on hers in an instant.
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Her eyebrows were knitted together. She looked at my hands. Then into my eyes.
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Then my lips.
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And she kissed me.